Memory of Bali - September 2009
Bali
I sit here listening to the rain, Balinese boys laughing and
playing and a familiar sound of country music echoes through the night. I am
sitting on my balcony in the beautiful island of Bali .
Trying to find something, maybe myself, yoga or a spiritual discovery. I have
the urge to write; idea’s and thoughts poring out of my soul. I have been
backpacking Southeast Asia for 3 weeks now,
each day finding a new discovery. I sit and wonder, or ponder many questions
about myself, god and my new and old life. I realize that I am different,
changed a new sense of discovery lights my face. I have followed my dream
listened to my heart, and as it comes to a close I cant help but wonder what
else is out there for me to discover. I have two hearts and I am struggling
which one is more important to me. My first heart is to travel, learn,
experience and my second heart is my home where my fiancé and family are. I can
not decide which one is heavier on the balancing scale. Of course people in my
life are most important but I am not sure that I am finished, and that getting
married is what I really want to do? Is it just the safe option? Or what I am
supposed to do? Is it a fear of never finding a better or stronger love,
because I know that I will not he is perfect? I am not sure if I am ready to go
“home” yet. But I have been on my own for the last year, I am returning a
brighter, self sufficiently, independent woman. In the last year I have used I resources
and done things I never thought I could do: such as fixing my toilet in Korea Indonesia
I decided to read Eat,
Pray, Love for a second time while I am here. We happen to be on the same
road in Bali . And I was just invited to Italy Thailand Bali . I have cuts and tons of mosquito bites from diving
and climbing and sitting outside looking at the stars at night. I have found my
inner artist, fashionesta and bare foot hippie child. I am more fit and crave
extreme sports and activity. I haven’t had a period in a year. Some days I look
in the mirror and do not recognize the new woman looking back at me. What am I
searching for? What do I want? Do I want
to be married?
The smell of incense and spices fills the air, smoke drifts
from the mountains and temples filling me with spiritual delight.
It has been raining since I got here, but that hasn’t
stopped me from discovering Ubud. My first stop was determined by a game of
rock, scissor, paper with my friend. “I win I go south first, you win I go
North first” I won, so I am sitting in the South, in the artsy center. It is
filled with paintings, sarongs, women caring heavy baskets on their heads and hand
cut wood carvings. When I arrived I had no idea where I was headed, no idea
where I was going to stay and sleep that night. I had not a dime in the local currency
in my pocket to buy a clue. In my first 30 minutes I grabbed a cab which I we
became instant friends and he asked if I wanted to stop and meet a good friend
of his. Of course I did! We stopped at a huge warehouse/farm that was an art gallery. In the gallery were elaborate
paintings, I met an artist by the name of Made. We talk and share smiles. He
tells me I am different and that I am happy he can see it on my face and in my
light. He invites me to live with him and his family and teach me how to paint.
He wants to see me everyday, and share my energy and spirit with him and his
family. He asks for nothing in return, no money or favors just the kindness of
living with him. Unfortunately, I politely declined, but I am thinking why not?
I reason was I would want to stay longer in Asia ,
I know in my heart that if I stayed and lived with this Balinese family, I may
never come “home”. At this time, I had a
ring on my finger and a fiancé waiting for me to stop being a nomad and come
home to get married. I buy a painting. And I had another plan, I had to find
another man with the same name. There are four names in Bali ,
yes four. So, the first child are all called the same name and then the list
goes down, when a family has five children they start all over again. Which can
be quiet confusing to an outsider. So, I have my own mission impossible, to
find a man whose name is Made, like first born on this island and have him
accept me as his student. I only know that he owns a silver making shop and his
first name. I have no address, no city name and no idea where to start and why
something magnetic is pulling me closer to this man. Not only was there a
captivating pull towards him, but also the county, and to have this adventure
alone. I felt in my heart that no one could come with me but I must find my own
way.
In the streets of
Ubud are shops and tourist. Strangers offer conversation, and will talk to you
without knowing you at all. The constant question of where are you going? And
where are you coming from? Flows smoothly from people sitting on the road. The land
smells of sweet flowers and the air is fresh compared to the thick air of Seoul
I just came back from my yoga class. It was enlightening and
wonderful. It was like nothing I have experienced before. It was insightful to
the culture and religion. He referred to GOD a lot, it was beautiful. The yoga
was a cross between releasing negative energy; I think there was a point where
he was out of his body. I swear it. I feel lighter, my heavy heart and mind are
now at peace. I got home and danced around. Tomorrow is a new adventure and I
don’t believe in time.
I wake up to my friend at the front desk “good morning dear”
wake up. I go down and chat with her, she tells me each day I look more “fresh
faced.” That is a great sign; maybe I am
becoming myself again after a hard year. I realize in retrospect how
challenging my job was, and my body and mind feel lighter each day. Also, I am
becoming more comfortable in my own skin. Its about time, dessert first anyone?
Ok I am not there yet, but slowly I am recovering and balancing my mind, body
and soul. I think about the yoga session last night…it was as if he was talking
about me. Maybe I am an egocentric American.
He had me pick up my leg and rock it like a baby, he explained that we
have to treat each body part with loving kindness like we would a child. We
need to concentrate our minds on taking care of each body part. I decide he is
right.
I rode through the country side grabbing a handsome older
man with a ponytail around the waist, praying that I wouldn’t die and laughing.
We drove through rice fields as green and wide as the eye can see. Women
balancing palm baskets which are offerings to ancestors and gods on their heads
walking to temples. Children were in the streets wearing traditional clothes
because tonight is the full moon. We stop at the oldest temple in Bali . There was a ceremony getting ready to take place.
Women were making offerings and lighting incenses, the smell is intoxicating.
Offerings to the GODS were placed on wooden carts with wheels, resembling
accent wagons. They were filled with fruit and sweet sticky rice. The men were sitting and talking and cooking
meat on an open fire. The temple was organic and green. You could feel the
presences of something peaceful and calm. I walk down the 400 stairs and bought
a sarong from a man with a beautiful bright eyed little girl. Her eyes were the
color of coffee and a shy smile filled her wondrous face. I kept walking and
became speechless from the greenery of the rice fields, the cascade of waterfalls
and intoxicating smells. Everyone is happy and laughing. The community welcomes
me and says good morning. I am in bliss: I am grateful: I feel small in this
large world. Our next stop is an organic plantation. My driver enjoyed
explaining the kinds of plants; coffee, coco, vanilla, cumin and ginger. He
shows me the animal a mongoose which eats coffee beans then poops them out, it
is cleaned and made into an “earthy” brew. “It is expensive in other parts of
the world and considered a delicacy” he explains. He wants me to try the “poo”
coffee. Hell, yes! I will try shit coffee. He is right, it is “earthy.” I am a vegetarian
and hope this doesn’t count. The guide is hilarious and we sit overlooking the
plantation sipping fresh coconut milk, ginger tea, poo coffee and ginseng
coffee. He tells me to buy some for my husband “Good stamina” he says, “It make
for very good lover” he explains with a mischievous smile. So, I buy some and
hope he is right.
The driver and I make small talk during the 4 hour drive. I
like him, his energy is good and I enjoy his company. The small village that we
are going to is a stretch of many small villages spread out. There are hardly
any tourist and has small hotels. It feels good, quiet and welcoming. Within
seconds I decide I already love it here. I kiss my new friend on the cheek as
he helps me with my bags to the small bungalow where I am staying. My room is beautiful
and has intricate details carved into the wood. I am overlooking the ocean on a
small hill. It is freeing and breath taking all at once. I am lucky. I can not
sit for long and walk down to the beach, The beach is covered with black sand!
I have never seen black sand! I take off my shoes and run through the smooth
darkness as I sink into the earth. I am one with my earth, my GOD and myself.
It is warm and feels safe on this beach. Only a few people line the beach,
snorkeling and swimming. The waters edge holds coral and rocks and the water is
shallow enough to swim out very far. I am lucky. I take a deep breath and lay
on the clay like sand; it has the texture of a stress ball…my own earth bean
bag. I open my book, and chat with an older lady trying to give me a massage.
She is nice and has a heart warming smile with missing teeth. I like her immediately.
But, I have a goal, and I explain to her who I am looking for and why I am
here.
I need to find my guru, my yoga man. I get up and start out
on a mission…I need to find a new hotel room and guru, maybe not in that order.
I roam the streets in flip flops a sarong and a bikini. I stop at each shop
looking for yoga specialties and clues where I may find this man. Everyone
stops me to ask “where are you from?” and “where do you live here?” and “How long do you stay?” “How many people are you with?” says an
elderly man sitting on his porch with a piece of hay dangling from his lips. Its interesting, I come to the conclusion that
Bali is the place to be alone because everyone
will talk to you. I feel a little shy about putting myself out there for real
friendship here. I can’t pinpoint it. I will do better tomorrow. After walking
quite far and speaking with multiple people later I walk back to my hotel…ok
tomorrow I will find him! With an optimistic smile and passion.
Then I look up and a sign on a wall in the back of a
restaurant says “yoga, spiritual healing” I go in. Next door is a silver shop,
I think I have found him. I talk to his friend I am going tomorrow. I am so
excited, I hope this works out and that I can study from him. For tomorrow I
need to get rest and allow myself to sleep in. I can exercise and then relax in
the sun for the rest of the day. I think again I hope I can study yoga from
this man. I feel there is something to be learned from him I feel drawn to him
and I don’t even know him. I have to meet him. I also need to be more willing
to make friends, and invite them to dinner or chat longer with people. It seems
I am talking to people then “you want to go to sunset on my bike” meaning I
will show you for money. That is not their intention but it is true. I need to
focus on positive energy and peace of mind. Also bring good people into my life.
I breathe in for peace, for change for life. I feel myself become more ME. More
artistic, I am not going to hold back on art anymore. I want to learn to paint
and dance while I am here. Breathe for change, breath for me, breathe for peace
in my heart. I only want to give love, I can only give love. And I can’t give
what I don’t have, which is negative energy, so I can only give love,
compassion and light.
Later his friend rides his scooter to come find me, yoga man
can’t have class tomorrow. But he wants me to come meet him now. His friend
invites me to dinner and later on to enjoy the festival, I am in a wet suit and
have nothing but my room key. I politely say “I am very tired and need to
shower and rest.” I hope I did not offend him, and that this will not determine
my study. So, I will meet him the day after tomorrow. I think I should stay the
rest of my stay on this beach. It is quiet except for the festivities but that
is only tonight. I can hear the lullaby of the crashing waves softly against
the black sand between songs and dance. I can see the lights and feel a faint
breeze from my open window bringing the smell of incents.
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