If it is lost, it can be found

A woman must know when to stay and when to go, she knows when her time is up, when she is no longer wanted and she feels in her heart when a relationship is no longer good for her. A woman must know when a man is not the right one, even if it stings and feels like her heart is breaking in two. Better now than be disappointed in the future.

 

It is strange or one may even say interesting that just two years ago I fled out of a window and into the dark night with nothing but a backpack with a few of my favorite belongings and ran out on my fiancé. Never to turn around and look back. I was left feeling sorry for myself, like someone literally ran a car over my body and backed and crushed my heart to see what they hit the first time around. I was depressed, hurt, angry and feelings of betrayal ran through my veins. I have never been angry or depressed, it seems so strange to me both now and then, like a foreign word that I have never heard of. But it struck me, even though I didn’t understand its foreign name, I felt the pain. So, I needed something or someone to run through my veins.

 

I ran to Italy, to be healed and maybe with a little luck and new self admiration I could have a fling or two. Running now into the present, I did have a few really wonderful flings, one man for a few months debating a move to another city, another man which lasted several months, I fell in love but it wasn’t right. And lastly one fantastic man lasting a year that I was in love with, we lived together and I brought him back to my world in America. He said that he could live here, he wanted to be with me. So, we looked into immigration, visas and lawyers. It would be a long, expensive process to bring a non English speaking man into the USA. The only option would be to get married, and he doesn’t want to get married.  Here I am again, sitting in the same place literally and physically in which my heart was first broken in two and I decided to go to Italy. Now I am heart broken from another man, who is in Italy as I sit in my family house, I realize that we are living on two different planets and that our worlds will most likely never met again. He is my opposite, in which he will just sit and wait for an answer, maybe it may never come. He promises things that he does not know how he will accomplish them. Well, how will you do that? With no job or language skills? He doesn’t know, and I must make the decision to let him fly. But I must fly too. And do what is right for me; I know that I need someone with a little more guts, a little more ambition and a lot more adventure in their soul. I know he was a good man, but perhaps he is not the right man for me any longer, and that is okay. I know I will heal from a broken heart, because I have already done that once or twice. And this time it just doesn’t hurt as much as it did the first time. Is it better to have lost than to love at all? I knew in the beginning that this was not forever, but for right now.  And it is much better to give my heart and soul and lose it, then to never give it at all. You can always find what has been lost.