It has been a little over a month; the culture shock has worn down as well as my heart. It feels a little better now, the pieces are coming together. Perhaps some things are never meant to work out, or even last forever. What in life really lasts a life time anyway? At least it doesn’t exist with my wondering heart, and perhaps eyes. Feeling like I am, in fact, where I am supposed to be and my decision is the right choice. I guess a woman always knows, no matter what she may say, she always feels it in her heart from the very beginning if it is going to be lasting love or just Right now.
I can’t help but feel at constant struggle, may be it will never change with me. And what is it that I really want? A friend after over a year without seeing each other she asks a loaded question, “Why did you come back?” Was it love? Was it boredom? Well, the answer was many factors. Perhaps the biggest is the fact that I was working and living illegally in a country for over two years. Now, that is a pretty big whooper, and quite and good reason. Being an American and not having an EU passport can create some problems if you want to travel within Europe, or say even go home. I went home via Amsterdam air thinking it was a good choice, they aren’t so rigid. Really, the best choices are Italy and Spain, perhaps Greece. But, I could not find a flight that was a good price flying out of Italy. When I got off the plane and went to passport control, naturally, I opted for the line with the most handsome man. So, I batted my blues and when he asked me how long I have been traveling in Europe, I lied through my bleached teeth. When he asked me why I didn’t have a stamp on my passport, I continued my white lie and said I arrived in Sicily and it was late at night and no one was at the airport. Which is what happened the first year I lived in Italy. He asked me if I but a spell and bewitched the other passport control officers like I am doing to him, I told him I had no idea, but it could be a possibility, gave a smile and he let me go, passing along his number in my passport. However, if he was not male and I did not flirt perhaps I would be in some jail or deported. Who knows? Coulda, shoulda, woulda. So, this is one reason I moved back.
But now I am wondering if it is the right choice for me. Leaving Italy was the right choice, for reasons stated above and I am ready to spread my wings again and fly. I went to Italy to heal and find love in my lost soul. I did and now I am found; half of my heart will always remain on that Southern coast with cold blue hues, six women that became my sisters and an adopted family.
I left and circled the world, looking for some thing or searching for myself only to finish exactly where I had started, like a board game that brings you back to START. So, over two years later I am sitting near the same man that helped me learn to live again before heading off for another Italian adventure, a romance that never completed fizzled out and hopefully it never will.
So, the question is “How do you know what you want, if you have a wondering heart?” I have dreams about riding on a horse in the Arabian Desert and salsa dancing in South America. I had the same dreams before I went to Italy, I dreamt in Sienna orange, villas, smooth musical sounds of Italian and the Mediterranean Sea. It came true, I lived it. I struggle with conforming into what my culture says a woman should do and what my adventurous soul craves. When I look at my friends from the past, they have children and a husband. A latest accessory attached at the hip, and I am not speaking of a Chanel bag. Yikes. Is my first reaction, it is some what like a response to poison ivy. Slightly itchy and irritating. But then again, they are really cute, and I sometimes get a longing of my own. However, the pull to be riding a horse in the Desert with an Arabian prince is a lot stronger. Will I ever be finished and ready to settle? And how do you fight with two hearts?
A wise siren said “A man can never fulfill the adventure my heart craves." Perhaps true for some of us.
"Reserve delivacy of sentiment for friendship; accept love for what it is...
The more dignity you give it,
the more dangerous you make it."
- Ninon de Lenclos
I can’t help but feel at constant struggle, may be it will never change with me. And what is it that I really want? A friend after over a year without seeing each other she asks a loaded question, “Why did you come back?” Was it love? Was it boredom? Well, the answer was many factors. Perhaps the biggest is the fact that I was working and living illegally in a country for over two years. Now, that is a pretty big whooper, and quite and good reason. Being an American and not having an EU passport can create some problems if you want to travel within Europe, or say even go home. I went home via Amsterdam air thinking it was a good choice, they aren’t so rigid. Really, the best choices are Italy and Spain, perhaps Greece. But, I could not find a flight that was a good price flying out of Italy. When I got off the plane and went to passport control, naturally, I opted for the line with the most handsome man. So, I batted my blues and when he asked me how long I have been traveling in Europe, I lied through my bleached teeth. When he asked me why I didn’t have a stamp on my passport, I continued my white lie and said I arrived in Sicily and it was late at night and no one was at the airport. Which is what happened the first year I lived in Italy. He asked me if I but a spell and bewitched the other passport control officers like I am doing to him, I told him I had no idea, but it could be a possibility, gave a smile and he let me go, passing along his number in my passport. However, if he was not male and I did not flirt perhaps I would be in some jail or deported. Who knows? Coulda, shoulda, woulda. So, this is one reason I moved back.
But now I am wondering if it is the right choice for me. Leaving Italy was the right choice, for reasons stated above and I am ready to spread my wings again and fly. I went to Italy to heal and find love in my lost soul. I did and now I am found; half of my heart will always remain on that Southern coast with cold blue hues, six women that became my sisters and an adopted family.
I left and circled the world, looking for some thing or searching for myself only to finish exactly where I had started, like a board game that brings you back to START. So, over two years later I am sitting near the same man that helped me learn to live again before heading off for another Italian adventure, a romance that never completed fizzled out and hopefully it never will.
So, the question is “How do you know what you want, if you have a wondering heart?” I have dreams about riding on a horse in the Arabian Desert and salsa dancing in South America. I had the same dreams before I went to Italy, I dreamt in Sienna orange, villas, smooth musical sounds of Italian and the Mediterranean Sea. It came true, I lived it. I struggle with conforming into what my culture says a woman should do and what my adventurous soul craves. When I look at my friends from the past, they have children and a husband. A latest accessory attached at the hip, and I am not speaking of a Chanel bag. Yikes. Is my first reaction, it is some what like a response to poison ivy. Slightly itchy and irritating. But then again, they are really cute, and I sometimes get a longing of my own. However, the pull to be riding a horse in the Desert with an Arabian prince is a lot stronger. Will I ever be finished and ready to settle? And how do you fight with two hearts?
A wise siren said “A man can never fulfill the adventure my heart craves." Perhaps true for some of us.
"Reserve delivacy of sentiment for friendship; accept love for what it is...
The more dignity you give it,
the more dangerous you make it."
- Ninon de Lenclos
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