Ex Wedding Day

Ex wedding Day

July 10, 2010

“Are you sure?” she asks as she seals the envelopes to my save the dates. “Ummm, I am not sure about anything, but I think so.”  “Krysta you Have to be sure” says my mom. “Okay, mom I am sure.”  Fifteen minutes after I leave the house where I grew up I call her from the car, I am driving back to the house where my fiancé and I live. “Is everything okay honey” mom asks. Well, I was thinking maybe you should hold on to the save the dates just a few more days. Written on the bright colored magnets with our picture was the date July 10, 2010. I already bought my dress and picked out the intimate details of the romantic castle wedding. The combination of wedding stress and the extreme problems my fiancé and I were having, so I lost weight or rather I stopped eating.

  Then it got bad, it was great before but now it turned ugly, bitter like a sour candy that makes your lips curl but you just can’t spit it out. Finally I spit it out, I packed my backpack, the one that has traveled around the world with me in the middle of the night and a month and a half from that night, I find myself living with a family in Southern Italy.

            I decided to wake up at 6:00am on my Ex wedding day. I plan to walk to the beach before everyone rose for the day and swim and do yoga. I secretly hoped it would rain but the air was warm with a cool breeze that blow into my window. Perfect I murmured to myself. I head out the door of my flat and walk the cobble stone path to the white sand.

            I find two handsome young men next to me; we are alone on a deserted beach at 6:00am. I thought it would be awesome to strip down to nothing and swim freely like a desperate mermaid. Instead I come to my senses and realize this may not be the best idea in my state of tears and after thoughts on this day, maybe tomorrow I will strip. So I run. I run and run until my lungs can’t hold air, panting I stop when the beach and the ocean reach the mountains. I feel free and alive. I pick up a pretty seashell and head to the waters edge, I pick up another shell just for good measure, just incase I need extra help. I ask Buddha to embrace me now on this day, on this journey. I hear him say “its okay Krysta take your time, when your ready let go and you shall find your way” He smiles at me as he disappears into my imagination and meditation. I stand there for a long time staring at the ocean, on the shell that is in my hand I ask for forgiveness, hope, the power to learn, heal and move forward in my life. I can not let the past dictate my life. I throw the shell into the blue shining sea. I put all of my emotions of healing and forgiveness into it. I stand tall now, a little lighter, like the mountains next to me on either side.It seem the mountains are embracing me, holding my hands. I close my eyes and listen to the oceans soft breath, I pray to find the characteristics of the earth. On the next shell I ask to be released from all negative emotions, hurt, blame, anger, hate and any negative emotion I have ever felt. Emptiness, sadness, deprivation and the tears that I have cried during my past relationship that could fill the valleys beneath the mountains that surround me and flow into the sea. This time I crank my arm back as far as it will allow and give a forceful throw, kirpunk…the ripples grow around my sinking shell. I turn around and ran away. I am not sure to what, but I know I am running to myself this time and not to anyone else. I keep running and try not to think about this day or the relationship I was in because I tossed the emotions I felt back into the earth and the sea is keeping my feelings safe for me. I will over come anything and today is the start of a positive healing practice. I may cry, I may not. But I know I can’t hold negative feelings in my heart any longer because they are not apart of me, it’s a part of something bigger than I will ever understand. I am grateful, thank you. Life makes twists and turns and instead of me walking down the isle into a bad relationship, I’m running down the shore line in Southern Italy, with a purple horizon, this earth is embracing me.  The world is made for me to love and see. Maybe that’s my big love, maybe I just haven’t learnt yet. My hair curls blonde and golden blowing past me as my arms are spread wide and I take giant leaps in the sand. I was always supposed to be here on this day in this moment, even though I don’t have a plan for anything there is a plan for me. And it’s amazingly beautiful and it’s only mine. No one can take it away from me, nor can anyone try to stop me from my destiny. I promise myself I will never let anyone take my self from me again, I am who I am, I am that. I write my own story and I will choose what I want “that” to be. I pick up the imaginary pen to my novel of life and head back to find a little boy waiting for me and a family making breakfast, I am home.