Missione Regalo

Mission Regalo

The day started off good, a little sunshine mixed with a lot of wind that was moving the clothes hanging from the neighbors clothesline like a colorful array of flags. The sound of crackers, bangers and some type of illegal fire work were being shot off below my window, at least now I am not totally jumping out of my skin. One month ago at the sound of the bangers I would literally jump so high that I would plop out of my bed and onto the cold wooden floor. My back and reflexes thank me that I am getting used to the men at the bar across the street drinking beer at 8 am and lighting explosives near my head. The nosey woman that lives next door isn’t screaming in dialect as loud as normal and the old man that is at least 90 with one tooth kissed me only once on the forehead while I ducked his hand going in for the pinching cheeks routine, I turned around and smiled cheekily “you missed me, better luck next time” I wink and continue down the street to the center. It is a good day. My mission today is to go shopping for my Christmas gifts. It is going to be tricky but not mission impossible, or so I think…

I need a gift for my boyfriend, which I have an idea and it is not difficult, well because I know him. But his family that I have never met is a different story; I have no idea what they are like or what they would want from an American girl. I am spending Christmas away from my home for the first time, I always go “home” for the holiday season; but this year I find myself dodging old men and firecrackers to find the perfect gift for a “bella figura.”  “Bella figure” directly translated means beautiful figure, only in Italian would there be a word for this which doesn’t even touch the English expression “good impression” , I can pull that off, right? 

I am starting to ask myself how the hell I got into this situation, and how am I going to talk to them? I communicate with my boyfriend in his language with a lot of patience a dictionary and a prayer. This is exciting, fun, funny and frustrating for me, while he just sits back smiling when I explain that eggnog is a traditional American drink made with “grapes” cream, spices and a lot of rum instead of “eggs” or better yet when I ask him to rub my “ass” because I had a long day instead of saying the word for “neck”, but to my defense there is only a few letters that are different. I can tell by his amused expressions that somewhere I went wrong. Or the exception when he says two words in English like the time I almost caught the house on fire and he screams “take fire”, “Take fire”, “what the heck is that? “Honey, we don’t say take fire in English, and what are you talking about?”  “Oh my when I see the flames, okay I understand, shit what do we do!!” I say in a panic. “What, I have no understand?” he says. “Well, I have no understand why you choose a time where fire is involved to speak in English” At times where there is fire language can be tricky. When did my life become a comedy act? But this is a different story.

 I walk into a Christmas store wind blown and confused as to where to start, the store is packed with people and not a shop assistant in sight, classic Bari, and if there were it is difficult to understand and speak when there is a lot of noise. I browse the Christmas items and look at crystal vases, reindeer salt and pepper shakers, candle stick holders with angels and table clothes that look like Santa’s workshop exploded on the material. Oh my god, I think I may have a panic attack. I have just had the epiphany that Christmas decorations can be possible the ugliest things in Italy, I am hoping that Christmas decorations have that effect only when epic amounts of décor are in one small area. It is best to get out of this store immediately before I break off a glass antler.

As soon as I pop out into the fresh chill of Bari air an African man speaking French stops me, of course I am always down for a little chat especially when I know about four words in French. He tries to sell me book in French from an African author with the title “God will save your lost soul” Perhaps his mom could use an over the top religious book that she could never read? Well, really who knows she may be able to speak French. I tell him that I have to go, and turn to face my next destination. I hear him screaming after me and his foot steps quickly approaching “unnnnn regalo, un regalo, regalo reeggalloo per ti” Yes sir “that is what I am look for a gift, how ever did you guess?” He grabs my hand slipping a green, black, yellow and red beaded bracelet onto my wrist. This is for you; it will bring you great luck he rehearses his eyes twinkling merrily. “Oh, how nice.” But he wasn’t finished; he wanted a “small” donation for all his trouble. Nothing is for free in this town, not even a gift. I pulled out a 2 euro coin and handed it to him, “thanks for my two euro gift” I said smiling and walked away.

Next store here I come. I walk along the streets, and the colors and window displays call out my name. How inviting. I have a browse through a clothes shop stopping and trying on a scarf, coat and hat until I snap out of it and realize what a selfish shopper I am, and go straight into a lingerie store. I am going to blame it on the Christmas jewel decorated bras, ever girl needs a little glitter or so I always say.  Looking at pajamas, panties and bras when you should be looking at gifts for your boyfriend’s mom works up quite an appetite; I dash toward the exit and hope no one else stops me with French book, I go and buy myself a coffee and try to get my head together. After a little chat with the bartender and a nice caffeine buzz, I trot on.

 Weaving in and out of the small streets looking for home décor shops I run into a cute little boutique with Chinese writing on the side. However, this was not a Chinese shop that imports Chinese clothing and goods but a home store. Curious and confused I go up two flights of stairs and wonder if I am in the right place. Walking into the shop there are three rooms, with crystal glasses, Christmas décor and other home goods. I was sure that I would find something in here, perfect.  A blonde Italian woman walks out and asks if I need help “oh, yes please, please, I explain that I need a gift for my boyfriend’s mom, I have never met and with one more desperate please help me” we both start laughing. “You’re not Italian, are you? Where are you from?” She walks me over to wine glasses in various bright colors that do not sit flat on the table but spin in a circle from the rim and are guaranteed to never spill wine she explains. That is interesting, I think, and very useful if you are me. “But, I do not know if she drinks wine I explain” Okay, she says, leading me to a porcelain white statue with Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus in the middle. She picked it up and turned it upside down so baby Jesus was on his head, she spun a knob on the bottom, it played a twinkling tune like that of a child’s jewelry box. What would anyone do with that? “Umm, I do not think so” “It is beautiful but let’s try something else” I couldn’t help but giggle. As she continued to go on about America and how beautiful my face was she headed in another direction, I guess I didn’t make a bella figura on her but a bella faccia (face). “No problem” she smiles, guiding me to a table that looked like Spencer’s toys for adults. She points to a wooden box with an enormous cigar, scissors, cigar clippers and a single shot glass. She picks it up and places it into my hands; she explains that the cigar is chocolate flavored and that you use the tools to prepare cigars to be smoked. “Well okay” that settles that, I should drop my “Bella figura” into the trash bin where you will also find my dignity,  just leave my bella figura a message after the beep, if anyone needs it, it is hanging out with my dignity in bins. I am starting to wonder if she is joking with me. I don’t think his mom smokes cigars and puts baby Jesus on his head, no offense lady. I put it down gently nodding encouragingly while she showed me a plastic belt with Asian cartoons, it is very simple she explained the belt stretches as you eat and you do not need to adjust the buckle if you have a large meal. That is weird, my goodness what would this family think of me if I showed up with spill proof wine glasses, a box to prepare cigars with the biggest cigar in all of western Europe and a stretch-as-you-eat belt? It was like a circus act with this woman spinning neon wine glasses to the left and in the right hand a belt that I would bet a few dollars that it lights up and or shoots fire, she was the clown and I was the star, the star of the butt of a bad joke, and the tune of doo-t-doo-t-doodle-doo-t-doo-t-doo ringing in my head.   “I was just thinking a little something for the table”, I say looking around at the beautiful glass displays making a perimeter in each room and naturally the circus act was front and center. No singing Jesus, no cigars, no shot glasses please lady. I tell her I will return with my boyfriend, a little white lie never hurt anyone; of course I thank her for all of her “non” help.

I think it is best if I call it a day and try my luck tomorrow. I think I must wake up a little earlier and put on my walking shoes or at least wear something that doesn’t suggest that my boyfriend’s mother could be smoking cigars, shooting whiskey and practicing dancing with glow sticks while putting baby Jesus on his head on her down time. I get home just before the rain starts to drizzle and splatter on the street; I hear a familiar voice scream in dialect from a balcony above “Ciao bella signora” at least my 90 year old grandpa thinks am a bella. I wave and smile and disappear into my building away from the rain.

If it is old, just throw it out the window...

Goodbye old, hello new

I love a New Year, who doesn’t? It represents so many different things, it can mean you leave a past or mistake behind, start over again and is a time for new beginnings. You never know what the future holds and it is an adrenaline rush of the unknown, for me it is similar to traveling. If you choose you have the opportunity to be someone new if you wanted (just blame it on a “new age” new years resolution), it is kind of like spring cleaning for the soul. Regrets and mistakes are a funny thing, for most of us we would do it all over again if we had the choice, that is what makes life so grant, maybe that is the secret. Mistakes and regrets make for the best stories and best adventures, why would we want to give up the best stories of our own lives?

For me personally, each year usually is different, a new place in the world, new friends, most often I am in a new relationship, a new house and I am living a new life. I can be who ever I chose to be in that year. This is my choice, my work and the life that I have always wanted. Not that it doesn’t come with everyday challenges like missing my family and friends and an on going question to myself “When will I be finished?” Constantly I ask myself if I am finished traveling and moving around like some nomad gypsy lady that happens to have really good high heels and hair products. Each passing year I am getting a little more and more tired of moving about, and almost, yes I say almost ready to have just one place I call my own. But that is the thing, how do you know when a place is your own? I know that Korea was never my “place”, I loved it, had a great time and never regretted a moment but it is not my “place”. The same goes for North Africa and Southeast Asia with the exception of Bali. 

Each passing day that I sit in my kitchen in the South of Italy I wonder if it is my “place, to some degree I truly believe that it is. This country and the people I have met here have healed my soul in so many ways I will be forever grateful and have an eternal magical connection to this land. It has turned me into a different woman that looks at the world in a new light, with open arms and an open heart, just happy to be who I naturally am. I am quite uncertain if you can beat that, life here is simple; it brings you back to what really matters in life. What I enjoy doing here I do not have access to in America, it is pure and simple but delightfully delicious and I am not just talking about Sunday pastries. But, it is warm in November, the sun shines throughout the year, the coffee is small and strong and can keep you awake for days, the people are friendly and traditional and it seems that I have stepped into a time machine and have been carried back about 50 years. Here there is always a beach in sight, fresh fruit and vegetables in the garden and homemade wine sits on my table.  What really matters are the things that often as an American I forget about, it is my habit and culture of go, go, go, because faster is better and the mantra of “I want more” was at first hard to let go.  Sometimes you must stop and “smell the roses” as my father would say. Meaning take a moment each day and enjoy the beautiful pleasures of life, don’t forget to breathe in deeply and enjoy the simplicity of a magnificent garden.

Today, what matters to me is different from what mattered to me in the past. Now I want to spend as much time as I can with people I love, I am starting to enjoy cooking and making meals and nurturing people who are important in my life, I love strolling along the sea hand-in-hand with my boyfriend and driving along exploring the natural beauty passing vineyards and rolling hills along the way. In the last year my favorite things are to hang out with my girlfriends on the beach when the weather is warm and share a bottle of wine in a local near a heater in winter. I love buying wine with my boyfriend and truly enjoying and appreciating the ingredients and procedure of how and where it was made while we share stories.  My daily pleasures are going to my favorite outdoor market buying fresh, organic fruit, eggs and vegetables from the farmers and talking and gossiping to the wives sitting in lawn chairs on the street.

This year I have not only acquired a palate for great wine and love for new friends but have gotten a little closer to what I want in my life. I have said goodbye to old loves that were never good for me in the first place. Realizing what is best for you is not always what is easy, I have learnt to listen to that strong voice in my heart and in my soul that knows what I need. Along with letting go of people that are not positively contributing in my life and our relationship.  I have found out and gained knowledge about myself, what I need to make me happy and healthy and I do exactly that. I am in the processes of discovering my true self as well as letting others be who they are. I have realized that people can not be what you want them to be, nor give you something that they don’t have, instead people can only be and give you what they are and what they have in that moment. Also, I can only give others what I have in this moment, it is impossible to give something that I do not possess and grasp that people are in different places in their lives, not everyone thinks as I. Today I am conscious of the fact that people in my life are who they are, and what they are is beautiful, flaws and all. This year I hope that I have learnt how to be a better teacher to my students and a better companion to my friends and lovers.

I have traveled far and wide and discovered and explored new places and people. I went on a tour of Italy with a good friend on Easter, we meet interesting people, had an amazing dinner with new friends in Venice, saw famous sights, learned a bit about history, drank bottles of wine and shared secrets and became a little closer than when she arrived. I made a family out of friends that I work with, and was adopted by an Italian family that fed me each Saturday and spent hours soaking up the sun on the beach in the summer. I went on day trips with a man to new places, driving along in the southern sun with my bare toes on the dash singing tunes on the radio and playing a love game of tug-a-war, knowing in my heart it was never met to be. I said “goodbye” to friends that I fell in love with on a warm summers eve drinking one to many cocktails and met my current boyfriend. The next day I said “hello” to a new summer job in Spain. I spent a few days in Seville sightseeing and writing, then hopped on a train to my summer job. Where I met the most amazing teachers and students. I spent four beautiful weeks in the mountains in Southern Spain living with my students in a camp that had spiders as big as your hand and the energy was as loving as your heart. I took away the best pieces and lessons from the people that came into my life. I drank whiskey on the back of a bus at 9 o’clock in the morning with colleagues and in a misty goodbye headed to North Africa, with a backpack and three new friends. We spent one night in a beautiful hotel enjoying the luxuries of “real life” again after living in a cabin with 7 other teachers, fighting for a shower, sleeping 4 hours a night and one night a week sleeping in the same cabin as the students with the sweet kid in my class peacefully snoring on the bunk above mine. A beautiful challenging experience. We didn’t plan to spend the night in a hotel, but after whiskey at 9 am and a friend getting a little drunk it was best to have a good nights rest. The next day we boarded a ferry headed to an unknown destination and had nothing planned, not even a hotel, my adrenalin still beats for that adventure.  I stepped off the desolate boat covered from head to toe, I covered my blonde hair with a veil and wore a dress that kissed the top of my toes, I pulled sunglasses over my blue eyes and finally I was completely unrecognizable.  I silently prayed that we wouldn’t get robbed I stepped onto African soil. I was in North Africa, Morocco to be exact! We spent one dodgy day looking for something to eat in a small town next to the beach with one single camel looking as lost as we felt. We wandered through back alleys and bazaars looking for lost treasures, buying jewelry as I rubbed a lamp similar to the famous Disney story, I was hoping a genie would pop out and grant me a wish. That night we boarded a night train headed to Casablanca, it took over 12 hours and we slept in a shared bunk with money close to our chest. I met two guys from America that became our friends, and we actually followed them to their bed and breakfast and spent a week traveling together. The bed and breakfast was my favorite B&B through all of my travels. We arrived on the first day of Ramada and we went on a search for alcohol in the dry city, knowing I could be arrested if caught sipping wine as a woman made my heart beat in excitement.  One night I made peace with many past ghosts as I laid curled in bed gripping my stomach and going in and out of nightmares from food poisoning.

I then made my way back to Europe to spend a few days in Italy and Spain before making my way back “home” to America. In summer 2011 I was in 6 different countries, 9 planes and three Continents in one week, it was the best summer of my life. After two sweet months in America I headed back to Bari, Italy for another year. As soon as I stepped of the plane I ran to my new house, met my new roommates then headed out to meet my girls and drink cocktails while sharing hugs and stories. Together again. A few weeks later I kissed a boy at a party, the same boy I met before boarding a plane to Spain. I fell in love with him; I am still falling in love with him because each day is better than the last. The last few months of this year I have spent with him, and I am bringing in the New Year in with him by my side. I already hear fireworks in the distance and people are in the streets preparing for tonight. It is Southern Italian tradition to throw your old furniture out of the window onto the street below as I look around my apartment to join in the fun I can’t help but wonder if it is best we carry an umbrella tonight and pray we don’t get hit in the head with a flying chair.

Yes, my life is incredibly different this year and I have loved every second, I would be lying if I didn’t say this was the best year of my life. Perhaps I should announce that “2012 you have a little competition” but I am up for the challenge to make this year even better. I am not sure what the future holds but I will greet it with a friendly smile, I couldn’t be any happier to say “hello” to a new year.

A year wiser

26 years old, or young depending on how you look at it, but what I do know is that it is a new year, a new me, a new everything. I have done, seen and explored more places then I ever thought possible, I have lived out my dreams every day. I dreamed of a life that was conected to an airplane and perhaps I have spent half of my life in one. A beautiful start to a new life, it is strange how time flies by each day, it seems like yesterday I was celebrating with my best friends at University when we skipped our classes and started drinking a one o’clock. I turned 20, and had no business in any bar. Or 21 when many celebrations were a daze. How about 22, I can not even remember where I was or what I was doing. Or 23 in Korea, spending the weekend running around the city, drinking wine with the girls, dancing all night with my lover and sleeping in a love motel with many friends. My boyfriend that was to become my fiancé was on the phone, a ring was on my finger, it sparkled and glittered yellow and gold. I was in love with two men at the same time. Or 24 when I was ready to be married, I had a house with my fiancé in Washington and our friends came to celebrate with wine and fun, we had dinner at an Asian restaurant and spent the rest of the night drinking and playing in the city. A good night turned bad with a relationship that wasn’t right. One of my favorite bdays so far is 25, in a new city with new friends that would become my family. My lover flew from Rome to spend my birthday in the South with me, we drank wine, ate pizza and stumbled home at 4 am with more than a buzz. In love we skipped home holding hands and talking to my mom. We had a sweet party and all of my friends came to celebrate. 26 the best lovers have seemed to become a blur, a new boyfriend but the same city and same friends that celebrated 25 with me in the South of Italy. On mid night of the 28^th I sat in my flat with my boyfriend, drinking wine and whispering in Italian to one another. He continues to surprise me, and the day isn’t over. And it has been absolutely beautiful so far. I have been blessed each day, every moment. What more could I ask for? Nothing, plain and simple, nothing more or nothing less.

On a birds wing

It’s two a.m. and my wine soaked heart wants more,

More of you, more time, more anything

The moon sinks beneath the sky, trading places with the sun

I tuck myself into bed, wishing it were you next to me,

I slip into unawareness, dreaming of a tale…

Last night, I dreamt we had a great fight,

I cried, me tear drops falling like rain on my pillow,

Drying my blue eyes, dreaming I left you,

When I woke all that I dreamt had been untrue

Leaving me broken and wanting your safe arms

The sun streamed in golden rays on my face in the morning light,

Peaking it’s glittered eyes through my window and danced on my floor,

Knowing when I wake you are not near.

Wanting to be near you, my head on your heart,

Falling in and out of dreams, safe from outside in a haven of sheets,

With your legs tangled around me and my hand on your chest,

Like a missing puzzle piece, you fit around me,

Nothing I wanted, nothing I asked for, but everything I needed,

You make me feel alive.

My life takes me running free and easy down the road,

With no strings attached to any person, any place

Leaving as quickly as I came

Now my heart wants to run with you, like a sweet melody

Simple and smooth, flowing like life of a river

Put your hand and mine and run with me

Fly with me like the wings on a bird

Giving you a little piece of me,

I want to stand still with you, if only for a minute

To look up and absorb the beauty of life

To stop everything in the outside world and just be yours

Completely yours, until we both decide we must go on

My life and the world beckon me to follow

Whispers my name into the sweet air, my heart in two

In love with the world and feeling of passion for you

I am like your wild horse, untamable and never fully yours

Always with one foot on the ground,

Until it’s time we both break free, and run our separate ways

Like gravity we are pulled back, when we cross the same path again

Don’t ever stop following your dreams and living your adventure,

I promise to do the same

Let go of my hand, for just awhile and fly free

A plane to Spain

ciao mio Bari, heeellloo spain

25.06.2011

Another airplane, another new place, another adventure beckons me and draws me in. The world whispers my name and I fully run to it. I kiss my best friends goodbye we head down different paths, but only to be reunited again in autumn. We cry, we drink, we laugh and sing. This is the nature of my job, my career path. It is an amazing journey and amazing life and I would never want to trade places with anyone. But when summer comes and contracts come to a close, we must say goodbye or fare well. Through tears we hug, and I am never the one to stay strong during this time. In fact I hate it, I dread it with all my heart and soul. A good man friend tells me “Krysta you are an amazing women, strong and one smart cookie. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you, I know you are beautiful and have this girly persona but I know you are incredible. You never let people staring at you, and chasing after you stop you from doing anything you want to do, you are one courageous girl” I cry even harder, as he packs the rest of his things in a bag. I do not want anything to change, but this is the faith and path I have chosen.
I have fallen in love; I am falling in love because I am not finished. Each day my bond with this man that I never planned on loving, surprises me in the best possible ways. But, I never was the girl to plan anything. Saying goodbye until September to him was heart breaking, we sat on my balcony looking at the stars and moon that decorate and kiss the night sky. He hands me his official military/police pin and hat and with tears in his eyes whispers “Ti amo” I never wanted this but it is better than anything, he tries in English and says “you change my world.” I cry on his shoulder as he stands at my door with his things packed in a bag, his uniform that is usually freshly pressed is wrinkled in the humid night air, tears on my cheeks his kisses me and I watch him walk away from me. Towards something else, something new. Who knows where we will end up, who knows what the future has for us.
What I do know is I am about to have my last lunch with my girlfriends and then board a plane to Spain. I have two nights in Seville in a hostel and then head off to my new job. I will be working at a summer camp for about 4 weeks, and then head to "volunteer" on a farm in Southern Spain. Where I will spend time with a new family and help them garden and pick fruit. They have a pool and horses where I can ride barefoot and free. A change from dripping in designer Italian clothes an making black the new pink. Standing at the corner with huge sunglasses kisses my boys goodbye this morning (I live in the "bronx" of Bari and my neighborhood protects me and feeds me) , I think I can not wait for the change. Adventure and a new life scream for me know, butterflies tickle my tummy as the unknown is fresh and unsettling. Here goes nothing, here goes everything.

Is it true what they say?

Is it true what they say “That all good things must come to an end”? In my heart of hearts I am hoping that this is a rumor. I want the good things that I have made into my life to stay with me for just a little longer. I have amazing friends and people around me; I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, the best food in the world and a boyfriend that I am falling for. I love falling in love, especially when you are in southern Italy with your hand out the window of the car, breeze whipping your salted hair around and the smell of fresh fruit growing in the orchards.
We hold hands and sing to the song on the radio, mountains, greenery and vineyards fly by as I fly on new love. We are going to a new place, a new beach. Each weekend is our new adventure. My heart sores above all and I look over hoping that all good things will never end.
I look at my friends that have turned into family laying and chatting on the beach, my boyfriend plays with a lock of my hair I feel that everything in my life is perfect just for a second that everything is in it’s place and that I couldn’t ask for anything more. But, I have said goodbye to many friends that are not returning to Bari next year and I am leaving next Saturday (exactly one week) I must say goodbye to my boyfriend and friends. Luckily most of them are coming back for more Bari action, but this bubble that we have created will never be the same. It is the end of an era; the best year of my life comes to a close. I will be on another plane when I have been in Italy for one year. I have learnt many things about my past, myself and my future. I have met amazing people, kissed boys in the rain, healed my broken heart, ate a ton of pasta and pizza with those I love and exactly one year later I am falling in love yet again. This year I have lived in Sicily with a dodgy, amazing, silly, fortunate family where I learned how to eat and love again. I cooked pasta and homemade pizza, picked fruit and vegetables out of their garden, peeled lemons for homemade lemoncello and spent time being part of another family. A grandmother picked me up each time she saw me making sure I was gaining weight.  I jumped a private gate at 3:00 a.m, rode on the back of motorcycles, went on a date to Palermo, watched a famous concert, learned some Italian words, sailed on a yacht and had a crush on the skipper.
I went to Rome to try to make a life with another man and the city chewed me up and spit me out… as I stayed in a bed and breakfast with a man that dried my tears and brought me breakfast in bed. Perhaps I loved him, a little.  He showed me the historic parts of his city; we drank wine, had our first kiss in a garden over looking the entire city, laughed and fell for one another.  We flew back and forth from Rome to Southern Italy for a few months, skyped every week until we both called it quits because I wasn’t in Rome. He told me he loved me outside of the Vatican on Easter but we can not move forward, everything would be different if I would make the move.
I moved on to Bari, a town that has charm, character and confusion all in one place. I can never pinpoint my exact feelings about this city, but one thing is certain; I have made a family here. We created a Bari bubble and enjoyed Southern Italian living.
Some of us are going on a new adventure, a new place. I am about to set out for a summer job in Spain, will I ever return? Who knows? What I do know is that it’s the end of the best year of my life, which isn’t bad nor good, just life changes, people move on and we grow up. Each one of the places and people have changed my heart, I dare to ever be the same.

Herrrreee weee goooo!!!!

I know, it has been awhile...but this city and life keeps me busy : )
Just a quick update....
Last weekend my Italian family went to Malta, a small country under Sicily. Fantastic, beautiful island. My girlfriend lives there and we stayed with her family in a lovely white house by the sea. Life is sweet....

Back "home" in Bari life is the becoming routine, friends have turned to family and I chat to locals on the street on my way to work. I know the people of the town, and on a given day people and friends shout Ciao Krys across the street. I love that I have built a true life here, and I am finding myself everyday. I was dating two men and going on dates. But lately I have been doing this thing called getting to know myself. It is working out just fine. Summer is coming and the warm spring breeze is blowing through my window.

Dignity is soooo last year

In the last three weeks everything has been “happening” for me. I have been offered jobs across the globe and now it is fine tuning and choosing my next path or journey. Gratitude fills my body and mind. I am quite content on my current journey and enjoy the Southern Italian way of life. I have best friends, great fun, beautiful sea, language and wine that is out of this world.

I have done many of things and have met many people. I have a new attitude and new light. Something has taken over and my wings are completely spread as far and wide as they will go. I can not be any happier, as I sit here I am grinning from ear to ear with pure love.

 I went out on fun nights with my friends, in the city center, playing in the small streets, riding on the back of motorbikes, drinking wine and dancing to Spanish music. Last night I locked eyes with a handsome man, I gave him the finger and he stuck out his tongue. I made a silly face and he laughed giving me the finger back. He walked over to me and started dancing to an Italian song. We had to leave because the music was loud and he could not understand my broken Italian. My friends were leaving and I followed, he walked me to the end of the old town and decided it would be in my best interested to kiss him intensely under the mist of rain that was slightly coming from the sky. Mist came up from the cobble stone path, and I kissed him with such passion and then walked away with out even turning around. I left him stunned and he called me the next morning. Shameless

My newest conclusion is that shame and dignity are 2010 and fun and passion are so 2011. Besides who the hell needs dignity when you are kissing Italian boys in the rain? Not, I

And the green grass grows all around, all around...

My mind is racing from chasing you in my dreams at night; I don’t know how to slow it down. Slowly packing my belongings in a beaten up suitcase that has been more places than most people I know have dreamed of traveling. Again. Leaving behind a lover, friends and family. Waiting for him to scream wait, don’t leave at my door steep; with a boom box blaring some cheesy 80’s song. But, this is reality and he is Russian who is unaware of 1980’s music or boom boxes. What is it that I want from him? Do I want him to ask me to stay? But, if he did like others in the past I would do just the opposite, I would kiss him intensly and say goodbye my love. Maybe shed a tear or two and hop on the next plane and pray a cutie is assigned the seat next to mine.  If he did this I would not have the overwhelming feelings I have for him. Perhaps that is the real reason I like/love/adore him, because he is not all over me, crying and pledging “ohhh bella don’t leave me, don’t leave me”. He never was the romantic one, very matter of fact, very South Russian.

            I have thought about a head scan, maybe just maybe there is a disease called “the grass is greener on the other side” or “I want what I can’t have”. I am looking at the grass in my backyard, it looks pretty thirsty and brown to me, I think about the grass in Bari, when I think of it there is not much grass in that city. I am holding my cell phone contemplating my physicians number and if they can prescribe anything for “greener syndrome”  I have always wanted something that I couldn’t have, and in the end quite truthfully I have received it. When whatever I sought out was in my hands or in my heart it was never as good as expected. If a man is courting me, calling constantly, to available, to telling or emothional I am completely uninterested, but if he is distant I am all over that challenge like “white on pasta bianco” (white pasta in Italia).

I sat in my childhood room wondering and dreaming about Korea, and what I would experience, who I would meet, what I would learn. I sat in my small apartment in Korea, wondering about Southeast Asia, where I would go, who I would meet and what I would keep in my heart. Secrets only for my soul. I sat on an airport floor in Indonesia wondering about America, what would happen, if I would be happy and my future marriage. I sat in my apartment I shared with my ex fiancé dreaming and crying of being free, sun kissed Mediterranean beaches and of Europe. Travel and wonder lust ran through my veins. I sat on a plane to Sicily thinking of what the next year of my life would come to, why my relationship didnt work, and how this family I was going to be living with would change my life forever. In Sicily I wanted Roma (rome) I wanted to live there with everything I ever breathed. In Bari I sat talking to my girlfriends over coffee on a warm November day wanting to live in Spain, Turkey, Dubai and South America. It hit me hard like a smack in the face, like a shot of something strong; Am I searching for something? And if I am what the heck is it? Will I ever want to “stop” to settle?

I sat at the table in my best friend’s house in admiration of her perfect kitchen and beautiful new home, her husband texting her cell, her children tugging at her heels and puppy asleep on his soft pillow. My heart was swelling with pride, love and happiness for her. Perhaps it was the oyxtocin that is excreting it self through my body like wild fire when a woman is around children she loves. I going to blame it on the hormones, but for a second I wanted that too. Wanted a husband and children with their sticky fingers pulling at my pant legs and their soft voices echoing down the halls of my own home. When I searched deep into my own soul I knew that it wasn’t my time for these things, for me I am not “ready”. Perhaps my best friends who have these things look at me with enormous hearts and want to experience what it is like in my patent leather Italian boots.

Are we ever really satisfied? With whom we are, where we live and our lives? How is it measurable?  When exactly is that “ahhh haaa” moment in life where you have everything; your ideal figure, house, job, car and spouse. Whatever it is you are searching for or looking for in life, it is all there. Even if we reach goals do we ever stop pushing and wanting more? I feel especially Americans are this way, we always want more, more things, more material objects, more than our neighbors or friends. Once we have “many things” what do we do with it all? And is it only me who is suffering from grass is greener on the other side?

Expecting life as it comes and living in the moment is perhaps the best cure. I am going to make a cup of tea, plug in 80’s music and appreciate everything and everyone in my life…just enjoy my last sleep in American and truly “be” where ever I am in the world.

Full of love

A quick visit to America leaves me with feelings of contentment, pleasure, love and confusion. Three weeks fly by while I catch up with family and friends. I go out every night, enjoy small pleasures in Maryland, laugh, cry, sing, dance and fall in love.  I teach my family how to make homemade pizza as we gather in the kitchen kneading the fresh dough and laughing. My grandmother shares travel and love stories with us. She is Swiss and left her country at age 19 to marry my grandfather. She said she loved him at first sight and knew she was going to marry him, she told me that you will just “know”. I feel so surrounded with love. A woman has secrets deeper than the ocean, as she talks about her first love, the man grandpa never knew about. A slow smile brought to her face that resembles my own,  remembering the French nuns at her boarding school and how they would seek out and run through the garden, past the male guards that they batted eyelashes towards and to the boy’s quarters on the other side. I laughed and said “now I know where it comes from”.

  I cheers my girlfriends at multiple bars and restaurants. We talk and share stories around the table, our deepest secrets of the year spill from our wine soaked lips. Giggles and wine we never skipped a beat. I drink to much sambuca and shots with my childhood bestest, as I pretend to not speak English in a downtown bar. Meet a man from Bari, and speak broken Italian together. I dance all night with my other best friends on New Years Eve as I teach them the word for “cheers” in Italian. We sing, dance and full belly laugh at Miss T dancing like MC hammer.

  As I leave my girlfriends when I am finished dinner and parties I venture out into the Maryland cold to my car and into his warm bed.  He is from Russia, stern, strong and everything I never wanted.

I fall faster and harder the second time around. I spend most of my nights curled up next to him whispering and laughing. He meets me at midnight on New Years Eve and we spend the night on my best friend’s cold floor. In the morning my head aches in dizzying circles as he carries my bags and thanks my girlfriend. He kisses me and tells me to follow him, we stop at the nearest coffee shop and he comes out with coffee and a large bottle of water. I giggle as he kisses my forehead as my vodka and champagne sticky hair sticks to his face. He says “Krys I will see you later, okay promise me?” I pinky promise him and clumsily get into my car.

 The next night I walk in his house with my sleepover bag and grandma’s cookies. He takes my hand and whispers “I love you”. Wide eyed and surprised I utter “What?”

“I said I love you Krysta” he says again.

 “Damn it, damn it, I yell into the receiver of my to go phone!! I love a 21 year old Russian” my best friend on the other end laughs.  “More than the Roman?” she asks A Roman and/or a Russian huumm

 "What to do? What to do?"

Maybe we are not made to have one or two great loves. Perhaps we are made to have many great loves. I am not full blown marry me tomorrow in love, but I love him. I love two men at the same time for different reasons. I love easily, giving everything I have in that moment or that day we spend together. Anywhere in the world I think that you could have many great loves in a given country…maybe the fairy tale ending is exactly that. A story, a fable with no valiantly. So I will love as much as I can this year, if it is a man, a item, friends, colors, places or countries this year all I will do is love. Love everything that comes into my life, give it love and I will get love. Full blown, full heart love…for everything and anything. Especially me.